I thought I would come to my writing this morning to share about the recent release of my book, Trust Within: Letting your Intuition Lead, that was published last Tuesday with so much joy and excitement. But as my hands hit the keys this is what arrived.
My dad died six years ago today. There are memories that will be forever embedded in my brain until the day I die, and watching my father leave this world will be one of those memories. It will be with me forever because on October 19th, 2011 all my senses were on high alert, more alive than anything that day. I will never forget hearing the beeping machines being turned off, the suction of the tube being pulled from his mouth, or the gasping sounds that are derived from deep grief coming from my family’s tears. There was a sweet smell that arrived from the fresh cut flowers that our dear friends and family sent from near and far and a scent of crisp lake air blowing through the windows. I will never forget, the touch of my fathers skin. I held his hand and took in every winkle, curve and roughness from his 71 years of hard work and history. I could taste a salt in my mouth from all my tears that I had shed from the days of seeing him in the ICU and coming to the awful awakening that we would need to let him go. And as if it were yesterday I remember seeing my mother embrace his whole body, trying to hold onto their last few moments of being together after 46 years of raising 5 kids and living a full and vibrant life as husband and wife. And then there was my sixth sense, my intuition.
My inner knowing told me that my life would never be the same. I could never call my father for advice or to laugh about the crazy things that had happened to me. I could never feel one of his strong embraces that assured me even when life was hard and I was stressed or worried this hug told me it would all be okay. When my father was dying I intuitively knew that my life was going to feel really shitty for a while, a long while. That I would endure a deep pain called grief that is unimaginable.
Simultaneously in all this pain I had a wave of intuition that also whispered I would heal. And that the saying, “time heals all wounds” was true. And here I am today, six years later and still miss him terribly, but I am also deeply aware that so much has transpired since his death. My family has healed; we have loved each other deeply to help each other from the death of my father. I have grown; I am stronger and more resilient. I have been able to travel to India alone, write two books, and grow in my career as a therapist and public speaker. I feel more confident in my relationships and as a mother and wife. I am grateful for a deeper connection to my mother, with one parent gone there is a gift in truly appreciating what you have in the parent left. And I see even clearer how my mother is amazing, loving, strong and kind, deeply kind. So even though I wish my father were here today, my senses will never let me forget of his death and my intuition knows that I have grown into a woman he would be proud to call his daughter. I love you Dad.