I feel like I am dating again.
Even though I have been with my husband for 11 years and have two children, I feel like I am in the dating pool once again.
So whom am I dating?
I am on the match.com of publishers, agents, fellow writers and authors. I am not physically dating these people but emotionally yes.
This internal love affair I have with my book, Cracking Open is causing me to experience the same highs and lows I had while I was dating. It is like this, when a publisher contacts me I feel as I did in my 20’s or 30’s when a boy liked me. Or when an agent shows interest in my book, it is similar to being asked to the prom. Oh yeah I was never asked to the prom… seriously. But you get the point.
And on the flipside, when I am told that an agency or publisher is not interested in Cracking Open I feel rejected and dumped.
I fully realize I am too attached to their emails, phone calls, or comments. My semi Buddhist studies remind me of the second noble truth, suffering is caused by attachment. And it is this attachment that is making me not fully be myself.
Sitting with these emotions I recalled a TED Talk I watched about putting on our superhero cape so that we can be someone else. I remember doing this when dating, I would put on the cape of being a vegetarian when really I loved meat or trying to keep up with my triathlete boyfriend when all I wanted to do was sit on my ass and eat pizza.
Why at times during this process of trying to get published have I put on my superhero cape? It comes down to the negative cognition, that I am not enough. Surrounding myself with the false stories that I was never trained as an artist or writer so why would anyone want to buy my book? And because of this I have said or written things that I thought the publisher or agent wanted to hear. I have asked my husband for his words at times, instead of trusting my own. While watching this TED talk a light bulb went off reminding me to disrobe this superhero cape and nakedly be all of “Molly”.
Crazy, inappropriate, sensitive, anxious at times, and lover of life Molly. And have this Molly represent Cracking Open and all of its inspirations, insights, and irony.
So beautiful beings out there, watch and take off your superhero capes today and show at least one person who you really are all of you, I promise you will love you more for it.
Other superheroes in my life:
The Onion: The super heroes of humor